NEW YEAR.. forget the past

We saw each other at the church during the New Year's Eve Mass; not only that, we stood only some feet apart. He was with his family. He was such a big part of my 2007. In fact he tainted almost half of my year. My past love - a regret, a sin. I have forgiven him but I can never forget how he ruined my life, made me believe in his lies, tore my world into pieces, broke my hope of ever finding a "good man" again. I'm glad that with God's grace, I am over him and my hope of experiencing true love with "my dream guy" is back again.
Since 2007 is over, I decided to completely forgive him and try my best to forget about what happened. I don't have feelings for him anymore but every time I see him, the hurt comes back. A teacher of mine once said that when you experience something, you have to FULLY feel it so that after that, you can just let it go and stop dwelling on that feeling. Haven't I fully felt it? It was so much. Every time I see his face, I remember how I cried over how stupid I became after falling to his traps. I have forgiven him, but I think only time can heal the deep wounds he caused.
I wonder what he feels every time he sees me. Did he ever regret what he's done? He never said sorry nor explained to me his side of the story. I guess that's one factor why I still rage in hatred every time I see him.
This year I am going to do my best to forget about that mess. He's just a small part of my past. He can't do anything to ruin my life now and my future unless I let him. I never will. What he's done before is enough. He can't hurt me anymore. He's completely out of my life. He's not going to be part of my life again. The mark he made in the past is enough.
I won't let my past determine my future, especially a stupid part of my past.

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it's been a long day.. i spent the whole morning cleaning the house and slept in the afternoon.. nothing special happened today except that i'm having my tantrums again.. moodswings.. i don't know.. i feel depressed for no particular reason.. i feel weak and problematic even though nothing big is really bothering me.. i don't know why.. maybe something's coming up.. whatever it is, i hope it's not going to be a big problem.. i mean please, new year's coming and it's christmas break.... give me a break...

i don't really have any interesting topic to talk about today because of this little weird depression i am going through.. i just wanna cry for no reason at all.. :(

i guess i need some sleep.. maybe tomorrow these weird thoughts will fade away..

OUR NOCHE BUENA

It was my first time to cook for a celebration like this.. actually it's my first time to cook without the assistance of someone who knows better. My tatay gave me the instructions on how to cook the hamonada through our chat in ym last last night. Hamonada is one of the viands that I really love! It's always present in our dining table whenever we hold a party or celebrate something. My parents cook the best Hamonada in the world..Asz in! But I tell you their Hamonadas don't taste the same. I don't know. Maybe there's just that magic. Hehe!
Well enough of that "magic.." I'll tell you about that someday.. :P So I had my father's recipe for hamonada but I don't know what went through my mind, I altered some of the steps and deleted and some ingredients.. haha! but it tasted good!! I think I just made my own version of Hamonada..
Our other food for the Noche Buena were Macaroni Salad, Spaghetti, Roasted Chicken, Pork Barbeque and Mango Float. Our ex-neighbor and close family friend called and asked what did I prepare for the midnight salo-salo, and when I told her, she said she couldn't imagine me cooking all of those. Haha! Because they know that I don't know how to cook. But alas! I finally learned how to.
I am soooo proud of my first cooking sessions and how tasty the food I prepared came out to be. I am also happy because my sisters loved it. Ingon gani ako stepmom na pwede na daw ko mag-uyab2x kay kabalo nako magluto. haha! saon! I don't have plans about that until I graduate. Hopefully..
Since we didn't went to bed yet, we chatted with our dad and stepmom while waiting for midnight. I really miss him.. My stepmom said my dad's going to buy me a laptop when he gets home this March. I jumped cause of my happiness.. I really wanted and needed a laptop.. and finally I'm getting one this March! I can't wait! I hope I deserve it..
After we chatted, I rested.. I had fever.. On a Christmas Eve! pft! My headache got worse as it neared 12 midnight.. So instead of playing around I just sat and texted my friends and relatives until twelve. I even lost my appetite so I just ate salad.
The opening of gifts was fun! We did it before we ate. I received a handbag and a cute keychain.. I'm also happy because they liked my gifts for them.
I also had fun taking pictures.. I'll post them in my Friendster account and here soon as I have uploaded them in the computer.
So basically those were what happened on our Noche Buena. I thank God for that night. I am sooo thankful for all the blessings(esp. the laptop and the cooking skill ).. And of course the celebration was about Jesus and how God loved us soooo much that He gave us His son to die for our sins just to save us and give us eternal life.
Even though there were people who weren't able to spend Christmas with us ( my parents, sis, her family, and bro.. I miss them so much), I know God knows their needs and I am always praying for them. Someday, in His time, everything will fall into place - in His time..

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It's during times like this that I really question myself, "Was the decision my dad made correct?" We've spent 7 Christmases apart since he left to work abroad on the April of 2000. Although I can say that nasanay na kami, iba parin pag nandito siya at kumpleto ang pamilya.

Sometimes I wonder, "Ano kaya ang dapat mangayari sa Pilipinas para magising ang mga tao? Paano kaya natin sisimulan ang pagbabago para umunlad naman ang ating bayan? Kailan pa kaya uunlad ang Pilipinas?" I hope sooner.. Para naman wala nang mga magulang na mangingibang bayan at mag-titiis sa pangungulila para lamang mabigyan ng magandang buhay ang mga anak nila..

Ang mga OFW's nga ang tinuturing na mga bagong bayani dahil sa halaga ng dollars na pinapasok nila sa economiya ng bansa through the remittances. But many (or I think all) of them are not happy with the continuous backsliding of the Dollar-Peso Exchange Rate. I took up my Econ1(Intro to Economics, Taxation and Land reform) subject just last semester and I learned that the lowering of Dollar-Peso Exchange Rate means that Philippine economy is getting better. Well, in my observation, this strengthening of our economy is not felt by the "masa" and the middle class. Prices of goods continues to soar high.. Unemployment rate is still high.. Except of course sa mga nag-aabroad. And these OFW's and their families who are one of the major reasons of the strengthening of the Peso are also affected.. -heightening of prices of goods, gasoline, at pamasahe. Most importantly, since ang baba baba na talaga nang dollar ngayon, it means na bumababa na din ang value nang sweldo nang mga ama namin pagkapadala dito sa Pilipinas..

Unsaon naman lang ni? Should we wish na sana ipinapagtuloy ni Trillanes ang coup, para tumaas ang dollar? (joke lang poh.. baka mapagkamalan akong terrorista) I really don't understand.. Kaya naman ang gusto ko ngayon ay maka-graduate na.. And hope and pray na sana makapagtrabaho agad preferrably abroad and get out of the country the soonest possible. As of now, yan pa lang ang nakikita kong paraan..to help my family and help the Philippines..

Total my post sounds like an open letter na para sa mga kapwa ko Pinoy, lulubusin ko na.. To quote an article form our History 1 book(i think Renato Constantino is the author of the article), man the collective, not man the individual ang motivators of change. The mass of human beings is the one responsible for whatever change we want to achieve, for whatever is happening now and for what is going to happen in the future. Let's act for change to happen. let's start now. Let's not let the Filipino nation sink. Ako'y isang hamak na 2nd year college student lang at ang tanging alam ko na maari nating gawin especially people of my age is to educate ourselves and be aware of what's happening to our country and apply what we learn in school to promote change. Umpisahan natin sa mga sarili natin. Easiser said than done but i think we can. Hindi rin ako perpektong tao pero gayunpaman alam ko may magagawa ako, may magagawa tayo..

grabe na jud ni ha.. I'm supposed to write about how my family is going to spend Christmas but it turned out na mura ko ug gabuhat ug essay para sa history.. duh..nigawas akong pagka-nationalistic..

this is just my opinion people.. if you have any reactions, please leave a comment.. but as of now, hindi pa mababago ang mga paniniwala ko regarding the above matters.. that's all.. God bless